max & peter

26 somehow feels old. i know i know, it's not old at all. i try to tell this to my older sisters or my dad and they just laugh at me, just the same way my dad laughs at my sister for lamenting finding herself at 35. but lamenting is not what i'm doing. it's more just sort of realization coming from a question. what have i done in all these 26 years?

you see there comes a point when you are old enough to feel like you really should have done something, that you really should have accomplished something by now. you don't know exactly what that something is, but it would probably be really cool and a lot of people would know about it. like write a book. or climb a bunch of 14ers. or hold your first child. something like that.

i watched a kids movie the other day. i was tired and i put it on thinking i would fall asleep to the comfortable familiarity of a family movie. but i couldn't fall asleep. nope. i got sucked into the movie. i should have seen it coming really, because this movie is one that always gets to me. Hook is the movie about peter pan, after peter pan. really it is a movie about growing up. and for whatever reason it always makes me cry. several times throughout. not bawling panting heaving cry, but just some tears to my eyes. i think it was frederick buechner who told us to pay attention to our tears, because they usually mean that our heart is trying to tell us something.

Hook was the movie that made me realize i wanted to eventually get married. at the time i was questioning whether that was the right thing for my life. but like peter pan i think it was more rooted in not wanting to grow up than in noble pursuits. like him, i realized i want to be a daddy. i want to have a family and not miss it happening. but the selfish part of me really worries about that time when i will give most of my time and energy to my kids. what will be left for me then? what will i still get to do? and what will i no longer be able to do?

i think a lot of growing up is a constant learning how to be less selfish. though of course if this is the case we have a lot of peter pans out there.

i saw another "kids" movie recently--where the wild things are. i guess you may argue it's not a kids movie, but it is a coming of age story if i ever saw one. there are so many childish things in the movie--some beautiful, some disastrous. the one that keeps coming to my mind though is about the fort they build. it is amazing. it is so cool. but the reality quickly comes crashing down. when something unfamiliar and unplanned enters, it begins to break down. the old problems from before are still there, and the fort cannot protect them from all of that. at one point carol says "i thought this is the place where everything you want to happen happens."

maybe that's striking me because now i'm living in my own fort these days. we can all sleep together in a pile when it's fun and games, but then we realize some of the people smell. (of course speaking about the movie once again, not our community). or we don't like all the people there. or everything we want doesn't happen. we want to retreat but there is nowhere to go. if we try to build our own little secret compartment everyone will see us, and they will ask what we are doing, and why.

thankfully none of us are little children--or monsters! but are we really grown up either? no. and thankfully as well none of us are king. we can believe in the promises he gives us. but do we? do we hold onto those promises when things get tough. or did we even let ourselves hear them in the first place?

our fort is not a defensive place. no. our great paradox is that God is the refuge who sends us outside the city walls. he has us come out of the fort and not be safe. not get everything we want. not be comfortable.

we all build our own forts. and it doesn't matter how many people we let in them or how old we are--we all to some extent are still hiding under the cushions.

here's to growing up a little, hopefully a little more each day than we are a day older--that we might find wisdom beyond our years. that we would no longer be lost boys and girls.

come on, if peter pan can do it....

the low anthem

"Charlie Darwin" - The Low Anthem (Official Video) from The Low Anthem on Vimeo.

L1

so an interesting thing happened to me. i had a realization. oh don't be fooled faithful readers, it was nothing too profound. but to me it was significant. i doubt it will be the same for you.

you see i was at the gym, working out and watching some highlights on the tv screen above. it was actually sportcenter's top 10 segment. and they showed a couple of really nice football plays. and that's when it hit me, "oh yeah! so that's what a running back looks like."

let's be honest folks, larry johnson is terrible. extending his contract was one of the worst decisions the chiefs have ever made. we could have traded him for a draft pick and kept jared allen, who isn't worthless. in fact he's one of the best defense linemen in the league, and probably will be for a few more years. lj, well, suffice it to say he isn't the best at anything--except maybe talking crap and causing drama. he's definitely beating out TO these days.

remember when everyone used to talk about his famous "juke" move. it was comparable to pressing the L1 button on a video game. he would be running full speed and all of the sudden stop and juke to the side. it made defenders look bad. real bad. so when was the last time we saw that? actually when was the last time we saw larry johnson make any kind of move at all?

granted you gotta get some blocking to do something, and you gotta get out into the open field to be able to pull that L1 move--but bad blocking can only be blamed so much. even running backs with crappy lines still manage to pull off some good runs. but then again that would be a good running back.

ok maybe it's unfair to pick on just larry johnson--yes all of the chiefs are bad. but it was just a realization i had and needed to vent. when was the last time you saw this:

all soul's day

most of you are probably aware that following halloween is all saint's day. but perhaps you aren't aware that the day after that, today, is all soul's day. most of the church culture i've experienced isn't too big into the liturgical church calendar, but there has been some renewed interest in some circles. even with that, it may still seem a little weird for us to celebrate this day. our culture has done its best to help us forget about death, hiding our cemeteries to look more like parks you'd never want to visit with sporadic flowers spread all over. cemeteries used to be places with trees and benches and people would go visit them. and that's what all soul's day is for in particular.

in latin american countries this day brings a trip to the cemetery, with people bringing picnics to the graves of their family members. they spread a blanket over the gravesite and often bring food that the person particularly liked. a picnic with the dead may seem a little strange to us, but it is an act of remembrance and honoring those we have lost.

so i take today to remember my family who have passed on. i have had a couple family funerals in the last few months. as i get older i begin to see my parents age as well and think of the time when they will not be in my life. it makes we want to cherish them more now while i can. it makes me wish that i had spent more time with some people. it makes me think about how life is short and this place is not all there is.

but our lives do matter. so much. too much. more than you would think if someone were to look at how we spend our time most often. but people are worth remembering. so take some time today to remember someone who's gone, and to celebrate them and their life.

oliver wendell holmes

from "The Chambered Nautilus"

Year after year beheld the silent toil
That spread his lustrous coil;
Still, as the spiral grew,
He left the past year's dwelling for the new,
Stole with soft step its shining archway through,
Built up its idle door,
Stretch'd in his last-found home, and knew the old no more.

While on mine ear it rings,
Through the deep caves of thought I hear a voice that sings:--

Build thee more stately mansions, O my soul,
As the swift seasons roll!
Leave thy low-vaulted past!
Let each new temple, nobler than the last,
Shut thee from heaven with a dome more vast,
Till thou at length art free,
Leaving thine outgrown shell by life's unresting sea!

god help the girl

"funny little frog"

"musician, please take heed"

son volt

"exiles"